my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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