I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
