i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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