Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
