First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
