I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My ATM looks so different sober.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
