I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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