Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I understand Curling. That high.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
