I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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