I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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