You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
