my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
