I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
