I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
