Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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