We named our party play list daddy issues
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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