Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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