well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
