I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
