He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I want to fling myself into the sun
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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