So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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