I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
