I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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