just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
All I want is dick and wine.
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