Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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