The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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