i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
