I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
