I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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