apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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