What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.