and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
