FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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