You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
