yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I faked an abortion last night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
