I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
