im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
