i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
