i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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