she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Drake has all the answers
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
