i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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