this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
