I bet he comes in French.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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