How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
