Just took my morning after pill in the library
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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