sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
