look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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