Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
