so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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