and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
