Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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