By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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